Can next week hurry up?!

I’m anxious to know whether or not I’m gonna get hired. It sounded so promising that day but I still have to wait until next week.

I’m a bum for a couple days. It’ll be great to be home with Immanuel and spend time with him. But I also cannot wait to go back to work.

Where did it go wrong?

Tonight as I packed most of my stuff, I realized how much memories of Leng I had. From the simple rants and vent on paper to poems and songs dating back to the first time we met. I really spent most of my years with this guy and he’ll never disappear from my life until the day I die. I wonder why God put him in my life and to make him stay for this long. I can’t seem to find the purpose of it all. I wished that in the beginning it had worked out so that my heart would not be filled with so much hatred against him. I wished that he was never so greedy and cared only about himself. If things had worked out, imagine the kids we would have had and how happy life would have been. But of course, our future didn’t end like that. I worked so hard to build that trust because I knew he blamed me for so much but in the end I couldn’t take his selfishness. My poor baby. I hate to see him go thru this. We came home today and I almost broke down when he couldn’t tell me which daddy he was talking about. How confused must my little one be?

Where is this life headed now? Where do I go from here? Will life get better? Or will it be the same? Will I suffer even more?

I think the hardest part about this whole moving thing is if I don’t get a job and I actually decide to move to Georgia. Breaking hearts isn’t easy!!!

Day 1 gone

It’s been a full 24 hours. He hasn’t called nor text me. Maybe we’re over?

I come home and my baby asks me where daddy is and how come he’s not home. We call him and my baby was so excited to talk to him but of course he could careless that my baby adores him and said bye within minutes.

It breaks my heart… I can only do this much.

He wrapped himself in my blanket and knocks out. Not that many more nights with him like this.

He wrapped himself in my blanket and knocks out. Not that many more nights with him like this.

Transitioning my life

I cried to my best guy friend. He thinks I don’t know but I know. Everyone tells me. It would be so easy to leave my boyfriend but it’s hard. Not because I love him a lot but because I don’t want to break my son’s heart again. He finally got someone to call “daddy” everyday but of course that person can careless. Trying to transition my baby out of this relationship now so he doesn’t get hurt. Either way he will but I guess the less he sees of the boyfriend, the more he’ll focus on just mommy. I hate to do this. I really just want to run away to Georgia.

Sitting in darkness

Trying so hard not to lose my faith and hope in God. I really need a miracle. I’m stressed, depressed, and overwhelmed with my life. My head is about to explode. I really just want to run away from here. I don’t want to deal with the boyfriend or my family anymore. No one can help me even if I asked for help. This is why I never wanted to rely on anyone.

My sweet innocent child

My sweet innocent child

As I watch my sweet baby sleep tonight, my heart aches. I can’t hold back my tears. I feel like such a horrible mother because in a week, he and I will be homeless. I could only do this much for him. I know my family is upset with me but what can I do? I won’t get to watch my baby sleep at night anymore. He’ll be with my mom while I try to go out there and find a place and a job. I’m gonna miss my baby.

Where to begin?

I have enough money to survive for another month after my job. I’m gonna be homeless for awhile. My baby is gonna stay with my mom until I find a place for us. My life has turned upside down. Waiting on someone who isn’t even committed to you was a bad choice. I gave up so much to get to this point and it went to waste. I know he won’t apologize for what he said to me and I know that in the end we are gonna go our separate ways. But I’m not gonna wait for that apology anymore. I’m gone. I can pick up my life right now and just leave.

Why bother with someone when they don’t give a shit about you? If I had known, I would have never made the decision to finally leave my home for some fucken idiot.

Yeah I’m gonna stop caring. I’m done. Had enough of his shit.

Suffering

Mentally and physically unstable. I’m sinking into depression. It’s not where I want to be. My body is stressed. My mind is going crazy constantly thinking about what to do next. Life is so unfair at the moment. I really just want to pick up and leave to Georgia. I don’t want to turn back no more. I really need to go somewhere. I can’t keep feeling this way. I’m not gonna have a home after this month nor a job. I don’t know what to do no more.

Crabby pants

He’s been so crabby today that I’m not in the mood to do anything exciting with him. He cries over wanting to play games and touch the iPad only. Doesn’t want to go out to the store or to eat. This little four year old needs to stop his little tantrums.

I’m stressed enough. So ready for bed! Too lazy to do anything.

At a lost

We argued all morning today to the point where I just didn’t want to care anymore. It makes me mad. Ugghhh. Lord help me! Why me? Why am I always put into a situation where I have to help when I can’t even help myself? I just want to give up.

Trying but it ain’t working!!!

Trying to be consistent with these kids and so far, only my kid is following the chore board. I’m amazed at the effort my boyfriend puts into all this. He doesn’t even realize that their allowance also depends on him. Ugghhh

Today I confessed I didn’t want to move in together. Why? Ohh because I know that he can’t survive without me being there. I’m the only one actually fully committing to this situation whereas he’s just going with the flow like it’s nothing.

Honestly, I’m so fed up with his damn laziness. There’s nothing more that I can do about it. I’m so glad he doesn’t read my blogs. Omg, he will flip on me.
I tried being honest with him today and he got mad at me. I never said I didn’t see any effort. I just wished he would take the time to calm and sit his kids down and talk to them. He doesn’t even know them. They lack so much affection that they are complete rebellions. I try so hard to keep my cool with them but I just can’t. I honestly just want to tape their mouths when they yell and scream back at me.
Well, guess Immanuel and I will be homeless after this month. No lie. There is not a single apartment available for five people. Not only that, we can’t afford to rent a house when my job isn’t stable. And he has to pay for his lawyer. I know the fee will be waived but not by that much.

Arrrgghhh… Stressed.