Due to the family issues that keep rising and the fact that I’m working full time again, I got myself a second job doing part time cashier at CVS. Yes, I’m gonna be super busy from now on juggling between both jobs and my personal life. Winter break is almost here and I’m just gonna be working like crazy. There’s just no point in having fun and drinking my stress away. I rather do something and make my son’s future brighter. Plus my mom’s been nagging me about a new car. My friends and I are going to Vegas in March too so I’m glad I will have the extra income. Not to mention I’m already behind on my bills. Even though I’m happy I got a second job, I know I’m not gonna have enough time for my baby anymore but I hope he understands that I’m doing it so he can have more.
Tonight was a good night until our argument. I guess I will always be the past and never the future. Its time I find myself a new path. I’m so tired of this bullshit I go thru. It isn’t fair to me at all.
Had the last thanksgiving dinner of the year with the boyfriend’s family today. My turkey didn’t turn out as good as I thought it would. I was so disappointed! It was a little too dry. Immanuel enjoyed playing with the other kids today and almost didn’t want to leave. It’s been a busy week and weekend with family and friends. I’m glad it’s over with!
I can’t say I care but then for the sake of my son, I’m very disappointed that he calls everyone else Daddy and his own dad doesn’t even care. Another year of celebrating the holidays without him and not even a phone call or text to see how his son is doing. Our last argument ended up showing me that he doesn’t care about his son, he is still in fact doubting its his son.
To Immanuel… I love you and I tried very hard so that you would have your dad in your life but when doubt gets the best of people and others get the best of his heart, you don’t even cross his mind. The last three years have been a struggle in raising you because I constantly had to switch jobs and go to school to make ends meet. Here I am and I still can’t even be the mother I’ve always wanted to be. Every day I feel like a failure and there’s no end to this misery I feel but to have you walk with me through life makes me happy. I wouldn’t trade you for the world and I will never give up this fight for a better life. Happy third thanksgiving to my sweet yet ever so naughty boy. Momma wishes that by next year, we will have a complete family. I love you.
So busy to the point that I don’t have time to blog nor facebook. I’m even losing track of my homework!!! And school is almost done with too.
Family has been going crazy. Sometimes I wished I wasn’t born into this family. None of us siblings really have that unconditional love for each other except for my older half sister and I. So much has been going on in the past week and it saddens me that my family is like this. I know I upset my mom with the truth and in ways she doesn’t want to go through with this decision but its something that later on in life, I won’t regret, instead it’ll be my brother who regrets it. I’m so tired of the stupidity and the shit talking that these dumb idiots do and say. I’m holding in my anger and keeping my feelings to myself and letting them hurt my pride. My mom taught me better than that and I know it will create more problems in the long run if I stood up for myself. But you know, in your mind, you always think that “we’re all family, we’re all gonna love and be there for each other and there is no reason to talk shit behind each other’s back” but fuck, was I wrong. It makes me realize that I can’t always trust my family anymore. Lately, all my sister in law does is give me an attitude. I’m gonna let it be because I’ve done nothing wrong. I’m not being the selfish one running away from the family I married into and going back to mine. I’ve had enough of my brother and sister in law and her family’s shit. It’s time to move on. Even if I’m helpless at times, it gives them no right to turn my mom away and put it on me just because I need her help. Every day my anger builds up and I just wanna march over to my in law’s house and bitch at everyone. Seriously, its just pathetic and very stupid. After all the things I’ve done to help my younger sister in laws out, they just turn their backs on me. I’m stressing. My job is temporary. How do you expect a daughter to take care of her mother and younger brother when she can’t even manage to take care of her own health and son? It’s unfair. It’s as if I’ll never get marry and that I’m chained to my mom and will forever take care of her. In the end, even if I do all that, what do I get in return? Nothing. My family doesn’t appreciate anything I do for them. I love them but my older brother has turned this into a war. Separating everyone because he’s a selfish asshole and only thinks about himself. I would so love to say “fuck you” to him, his wife, his wife’s family and cut ties. No matter how hard I try, the good is never seen. I’m always the bad one. I’ll forgive them but I won’t forget the pain they have made me suffer.
Started full time work this week and man, I am exhausted! I have been waking up extra early to cook so the unappreciative boyfriend will have something to eat when he wakes up and pack some for lunch. Seems like I care too much so I’m gonna stop waking up early now. I don’t know how much longer I will survive. Work is so boring which I don’t mind right now but it’s so boring to the point where I have to eat to keep myself up. Now I’m gaining weight because I’m just eating and sitting. I get up every hour to walk but seems like the team lead is on to me every hour now; which sucks! I can’t sit more than an hour and a half in the chair or else my back starts to ache. I won’t even get to enjoy sleeping in this weekend either since I have class. I feel like I’m gonna fall behind in school for sure now. My head is gonna explode. I wish there was more time to do everything in one day.
I bought my boo his bike when he turned two. It was so hard for him to peddle because he just couldn’t understand that he needed to move his feet and legs. Finally, he has peddled! I’m so proud of my baby. He has gone through so much his first two years. Sadly, he learns how to peddle when it has become cold outside and I can’t let him ride his bike. He peddles all around the apartment now but with all his toys scattered on the floor, it doesn’t leave him much room to go anywhere. I’m excited for Spring already.
Waiting for confirmation on the job. I’m not ready to go back to work though. I wanna be able to sleep in and cook for my fatties to eat. I won’t be able to enjoy cooking no more. Gonna be rushing from work to home to take care of Immanuel and do homework back to back. Life is gonna feel super duper busy soon.
I have no clue who I caught it from but I’m gonna be extra careful this time around and not share drinks and utensils with anyone, even my baby. My throat has been sore for a week and I finally went to the clinic today. Tested positive for strep and I was just crushed. After I get better from surgery, I got hit with the flu, now this. Argh. It’s never ending! Thankfully I took Immanuel with me to the clinic and doctor checked his throat and said he’s ok. I would be so mad if he got it. Still trying to figure out who I got it from though. Hate this strep throat! Gonna be home for the next few days and try to sleep this sickness off.
Immanuel has picked up on the word “stupid” and “shut up.” I’m so sad because I try so hard not to say these in front of him but even I fail at it. This kid is learning really fast and picking up my words that I can’t be mad around him because he comes back at me with the same attitude as me. Ugh… The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
Went in for an interview yesterday and today I got a temporary position at Securian. Finally putting my foot through the door at that company after all these years! I only hope that I will survive and stop getting sick. Gonna work hard so that the boyfriend doesn’t have to work overtime anymore.
Went to pick up Immanuel from his dad tonight and my friend came running out to talk to me. She was drunk because she ran out with just her socks on. I asked what she was doing and that how come she ran out without her shoes. I could tell she almost broke down in tears but she held it in. I asked her when she was gonna decide about our guy friend and give him an answer. She didn’t know then said to me, “I don’t know how you do it. You can still come and put on a smile and act like nothing happened. You’re so strong for doing that.” I told my friend, no matter what people are gonna talk and its on you whether or not you let it bring you down or make you stronger. Being around baby daddy and his family since I was 14 yrs old has taught me a lot of things. I can careless what his family has to say. It doesn’t break me, it breaks him. I can’t constantly keep trying and making things work out when he doesn’t care to listen to me but only to his family. I know for a fact that even now, Immanuel’s dad still claims I cheated on him at one point in time. Honestly, if someone was your first love, would you have the heart to cheat on them? You spend almost every day together, how do you find time to cheat? I said to my friend, the history you’ve made with one person is hard to let go but when someone who just drags you down and treat you badly, there’s no point in sticking around and holding on. What do they benefit you in the long run? Nothing much. Jealousy gets the best of them and turns them evil. I feel bad for her. I don’t know why she tolerates getting abused by her ex so much. I told her she was drunk, for her to drive safely home and sleep on it. Her ex’s sister will talk shit and say shit but its up to her to let it get to her or brush it off. What my friend said to me made me realize, I have been through hell with baby daddy and his family yet I don’t let it bring me down. I only hope they treat my son good whether they may have doubts.
I love my baby to death but today he totally annoyed the crap out of me. Every few seconds to a minute he would be asking me questions like, “momeee! What you doing?”, “momeee! What’s that?”, or “momeee! What happened?” I constantly had to tell him and repeat myself. Every time I got upset because something was wrong, he would come running and ask me what happened. I laughed and told him nothing. He is definitely at the age of asking questions. Today wasn’t the right day to ask though. Trying to clean and have him run around and stop to ask me questions really slowed down my cleaning. I guess he wanted attention and for me to play with him. Thankfully I stayed in tonight because the boyfriend didn’t want me to go out. I’m glad I stayed in too because I know my baby misses days where it’s just him and I.