Work life

My third day of work and I still didn’t get a computer. It was a horrible day wearing my glasses too. Headache and pain from the way people’s computers were set up didn’t help. I hate being blind! It makes my world blurry and dizzy. I had to come back and grab my contacts during lunch so I wouldn’t have a headache anymore. Hopefully tomorrow I will get my computer and have access to everything that I need to do and work by myself. I really just want to sit at my cubicle and be in peace versus having to have someone look over my shoulder every second. I have to say, I’ve got down the basics already and it’s something I’ve never done before, only in accounting class. I like the job but I hate the way the company works mostly on contracts. If I had known 3M was like that, I might’ve turned down the job but the pay is okay and I couldn’t stand to be unemployed again. Why is it so difficult!!! I hate 3M for doing that also. My co worker has been on contract for 4 years and she doesn’t even hope to get hired on. She’s gone thru four different teams also. If it’s like that, I’ll never get a paid time off day EVER. I hate temp agencies sometimes. You work so hard but you don’t get paid time off because the company isn’t paying the temp agency for your day off. Fucken bull…. Arrrgghhh

Fall came too soon. Then again we’re gonna hit the 80s again Saturday. You bipolar weather!!!

Fall came too soon. Then again we’re gonna hit the 80s again Saturday. You bipolar weather!!!

Ugly shot but it was a really beautiful sunset tonight.

Ugly shot but it was a really beautiful sunset tonight.

Patiently watching this all fall down. Plan will fail and motion will be revoked. Not even gonna lie. I have no patience and no energy to wait on people. Watch them make a fool outta themselves because I can easily make them look pathetic with the choices they make.

What comes first?

Who will be standing right behind you when it all goes down? No one but your family yet it’s so damn hard for some idiot to understand that. Seriously, if on your day off you think you deserve a break from your kids that you haven’t even spent time with for seven days then I guess your priorities aren’t even straight. The time and money invested in trying to get these kids isn’t even worth it. If you have no sense in yourself that your kids should come first then I don’t know what’s wrong with you. You gave life to these kids yet you lack the ability to take care of them. I barely get any time to myself and you tell me that because you’ve worked hard for the past six days, you deserve a day out drinking? Honestly, you need a reality check. These kids wait patiently to spend time with you and you’re so blind to see it. Fucken pathetic. I don’t know why I fucken bother anymore. It’s a waste of my time and energy.

He’s so cute in this picture, I can just squeeze him.

He’s so cute in this picture, I can just squeeze him.

Breaking down

My poor baby. I love him so much. All he wants to do is go home. He knows his home isn’t with grandma or auntie. He thinks his home is with the boyfriend so he always ask to go home to daddy. It’s really killing me inside. I just want to cry every time. Last night he was crying and said “Mommy, I wanna go home.” Couple days ago he asked me if his house was ready because I told him that it’s not ready yet and it’ll be awhile. I don’t know what to do. I really thought we would get the side by side house but for denied. We put in another app yesterday and that was another $90 bucks. I even talked with the landlord and he said it’s fine, as long as we have enough income. Shit, that better be the case! I will seriously get mad if we don’t get this place. It’s not the best but will do until we can buy a house. (If we last that long.)

On a good note, I start work Monday! So happy because it’s something different and I’m glad that Volt hasn’t let me go yet. Can’t wait to start making money again. Hate being broke as a joke.

Sooooo angry

The lady said she wasn’t worried about credit score but they based our application on our credit score. I’m not happy! And obviously they used the credit bureau that has my lowest score because they have stuff on there that isn’t even mine. Ugghhh. So angry. Now we gotta go talk to Management tomorrow morning and see if we could get an exception. Ugghhh. If we don’t get this place, we’re doomed. We won’t be able to get a place at all. My dream came true too. Woke up this morning because I dreamt we didn’t get approve. Gosh, I hope that she still has units available. Can’t believe it!!! I’m gonna hate myself so much because I can’t live like this no more. I hate my mom’s constant nagging and telling me to babysit.

First day back from school and he goes straight to his DS.

First day back from school and he goes straight to his DS.

Week one down, one more to go!

The first week of being unemployed was harsh. I did so much within this past week. Ran errands back to back every day. If only I was a stay at home mom and didn’t have to find work and had a home to take care of. I have to say I spent majority of my nights babysitting the kids. I know how frustrated my mom is but heck, I dislike the way she’s feeding the kids.

Anyways, we applied for our home and hoping we get it. The manager said everything looked good and was really strong. What sucked was they couldn’t verify my employment so I had to quickly run over to the office to provide my paystubs for month of August. Hopefully they can work off of those. Would hate to lose it due to my income. I hope God is good to me and let us get it.

I also start my new job on September 15. Cannot wait!!! Really happy that I got it because if everything falls into place then we’ll be all set.

Now we just wait for his case to settle. Really hope for the best and that he doesn’t screw this up. It would be such a waste of money for this motion. I know I can’t handle his kids but I hate his ex bringing up stupid stuff about the past. Honestly, if you were good to the kids, they wouldn’t be like that. She’s so dumb. Blaming him for everything but in reality it’s really her. Your kids’ upbringing depends on you and the way you raise them. Don’t go blaming others if you didn’t witness it yourself. Ugghhh.

First week is done. Another week of having to do drug test and orientation for the new job then taking Immanuel to the dentist and meeting with his Speech therapist. Cannot wait to start working again and move out again.

I realized last night how homeless we really are. Having to eat and pack stuff up and keep moving from night to night almost made me cry.

God, I hope you will shed some light on us. My baby really wants to go home.

I hope we get it!!!

I was super lucky to find a side by side home that fits our budget. I hope they overlook our credit. Seriously need this place. I cannot live like this anymore. Having no place to sleep and not being able to be in my own space. Ugghhh.

But what difference would it make? These kids will drive me crazy and up the wall anyways. I feel like my world is ending having to deal with his two kids. I’m very short temper and cannot tolerate much. I don’t know how I’ll survive.

God, please let me get this job and please let us get this place. I will forever be indebted to you for the good things you have given me.

Had a major long week!

Moved everything out finally on Friday, August 29. It was so sad. I almost broke down because now I have no home. As I drove by the apt on Saturday, Immanuel points and yells out, “Mommy’s house.” I had to tell him it was no longer ours. Today I’m on a mission. Gonna relax and enjoy some fishing then come back home and get down to business with finding a place for my boo. It was such a just weekend that I don’t think I’ve had a busy weekend in a long time. This week I’m on a mission to find Immanuel his power ranger backpack. Who knew this kid was this smart! He only wants power ranger samurai backpack in blue ranger. So picky. Can’t wait for school to start for him.

Can next week hurry up?!

I’m anxious to know whether or not I’m gonna get hired. It sounded so promising that day but I still have to wait until next week.

I’m a bum for a couple days. It’ll be great to be home with Immanuel and spend time with him. But I also cannot wait to go back to work.

Where did it go wrong?

Tonight as I packed most of my stuff, I realized how much memories of Leng I had. From the simple rants and vent on paper to poems and songs dating back to the first time we met. I really spent most of my years with this guy and he’ll never disappear from my life until the day I die. I wonder why God put him in my life and to make him stay for this long. I can’t seem to find the purpose of it all. I wished that in the beginning it had worked out so that my heart would not be filled with so much hatred against him. I wished that he was never so greedy and cared only about himself. If things had worked out, imagine the kids we would have had and how happy life would have been. But of course, our future didn’t end like that. I worked so hard to build that trust because I knew he blamed me for so much but in the end I couldn’t take his selfishness. My poor baby. I hate to see him go thru this. We came home today and I almost broke down when he couldn’t tell me which daddy he was talking about. How confused must my little one be?

Where is this life headed now? Where do I go from here? Will life get better? Or will it be the same? Will I suffer even more?

I think the hardest part about this whole moving thing is if I don’t get a job and I actually decide to move to Georgia. Breaking hearts isn’t easy!!!