I can’t even explain how I feel anymore. Crying my eyes out. My heart aches. I just want to take away this pain but I can’t. I tried my hardest. This is the best I can do.
Yeah, I’m fucken irritated to the max. Stayed up doing homework until almost 3. Immanuel is just constantly giving me a hard time when it comes to almost everything. My mom just loves waiting on me to do things for her. Yet no one, not a single fucken person stops to think that I need time to get my shit together. I’m sick, fucken tired and I really just want to sleep and fucken get my stuff done but noooo. Everyone else thinks they have to fucken come first.
I’m gonna be really sad. And I mean super sad if the effort I put into this becomes the downfall I had imagined in the beginning. I honestly don’t expect much, just that it’s fair but I already know it’s not gonna be fair.
— Victor Hugo
He’s finally gonna join our family plan. I gave him tons of questions. I asked: “You sure you’re gonna do this? You sure you’re gonna stick with me through all this? You’re positive this is what you want? You sure you’re not gonna regret it later?” He said it’s not a big deal. Ohh yes it is. It’s just as big of a deal as moving in together. And I admit, I have commitment issues!!!! While he has faith in all this, I’m just here doubting his love for me.
It’s times like these that I wished I really did have someone to vent to. I just vented to one of my long time girlfriends but wished it was the boyfriend I was venting to. I’m annoyed. Irritated. Not happy. I’m not that upset but I am somewhat sad. It’s unfair. And of course it’s always my fault. Where is this path taking me? Am I even on the right track? I feel like I’m losing myself. I fear that I might not be able to pick myself up anymore. I don’t want to hurt my baby in this process. Is it worth it? Is it really worth the time and effort in being in this relationship with someone who barely shows affection, doesn’t give you a sense of security, agrees but then also disagrees… Someone who completely ignores and avoids how I feel? Why do I feel so empty? I just want to pick up my life and move on. Is it better to be alone and with my child? How much more can I stand? The criticism, the put downs… How much more?
Immanuel is so funny. Thomas the train is on, I’m trying to study and he asks me if he could have a helicopter. I asked him why and he couldn’t explain but asked me again if he could have a helicopter. After he asked me three times, he went silent and played with my necklace. Weird kid. Always asking me for things. Still trying to get him to give me a reason every time he asks me something. Maybe I’ll get him a helicopter for his birthday. This morning we did a little online shopping, yes, this kid did online shopping with me! Sat right next to me and picked out what he wanted. Ordered him two new pajamas since this weather sucks and he’s sick.